Letting go of hurtful people you cared for!!!!!!

[Capricorn]

Hi Everybody. Just need to share and get some insight into something. The past week or so I have suddenly started to think of guys from my past, that I really cared for, but who unfortunately treated me pretty shabbily. God knows why as they were a waste of time and energy!!!!

I don't want this to be a self pity thread but just wish I could understand why it still hurts to the core, maybe something will trigger a memory and I will feel that pain in my chest like it happened yesterday. I realise that when I met these people I was vulnerable and anxious, my self esteem was crap so I kind of put up with a lot of bad stuff as didn't have the strength to see the reality. I think I am angry with myself for allowing myself to be treated like that and I would never let it happen again. What made it worse was that I messaged them spilling my heart like a total sad case and I feel such shame that I lowered myself like that.

Its funny I have gone the opposite way now, I feel like I can't let anybody near me emotionally and have put a wall up, maybe that's a good thing. Feel a bit sad today as I really don't feel I will ever truly trust again, and that is not a good thing. Sorry to go on it's just nice to share with people I trust and who understand. Would love any feed back from people who have experienced similar and how they dealt with that inner sadness thing. Thankyou...Eli x

[Alexandra]

I wish I had some advice for you, but unfortunately I have the same problem. I can't let go of anything, things that happened years ago still hurt like hell and I'm so angry at the people who hurt me but even angrier at myself for letting these people still have a hold over me. People say that time heals all, but this doesn't seem to be the case for me. I remember everything and it sucks.

Sorry I can't offer any more than understanding and sympathy

[stresspuppy]

Hi Eli, by way of insight - wonder if it's this time of year that's having an influence on you? should old acquaintance be forget and all that... Plus so many seasonal objects and events to remind us of years past. I'm a bit of a bah humbug so maybe I'm biased, but i think this time of year can be particularly anxiety provoking!! much prefer easter time  eggs an all.

Sometimes I wonder if it's good to remember the bad stuff, otherwise we'd keep making the same mistakes, although often our anxieties seem to make us repeat similar patterns I really believe that we can become more cautious and protect ourselves better. Nothing wrong with having an open and loving heart, shame on those that abuse and take advantage of these qualities. Like you say low self-esteem can leave us vulnerable and leave us open to being hurt. A friend of mine once told me it was good that I was angry and to use that anger as a driving force  , so glad to hear your anger and hope it serves you well.

I suppose the danger is in overprotecting ourselves 'the wall' and the most positive thing I can say is that walls that go up can be removed brick by brick. Perhaps from looking at the past and sensing the wall and opening up about this your sensing the need to start doing this... anyway armchair psychologist signing off!! looking forward to seeing you at the meet, might bring the old dream book again 

[Capricorn]

Thankyou Alex and Andy lovely to hear from you and for sharing with me.

I feel so lucky to have this lovely group and to know such lovely caring people. It makes me realise that I am worth caring about even though I never used to think I was worth it. I still get days of this self hatred thing but luckily it seems to pass quicker now. Anxiety has created many situations that I think if I hadn't had it I would have handled things differently. I am just glad that I have found some strength to never let scumbags treat me like that again, I'm not sure if it's healthy to feel anger but I do still feel it. Thanks again and I look forward to see you lovely folks tomorrow.....hugs...Eli x

[Noisy]

Hi Eli,

I know that you've been treated badly in the past but even in the short time I've known you, you've become noticeably 'stronger' (whatever that actually means). I just feel as of you'd be able to stick up for yourself a bit more these days and good for you!

See you soon,
Martin. 

[stresspuppy]

Aw! A friend of mine once said 'feel the love in the room' (I was about to go into an interview!!) but guess it can be hijacked for forum purposes 

perhaps 'Feel the love on the forum'?    some warmth to take the chill of the winter 

[Neil And Pray]

Interesting thread, i have similar experience in having been in some dysfunctional relationships in the past. And have been thru incredible pain in the past due to this eg experiencing abandonment etc.
However i have to be honest and say i no longer carry any grief in relation to past relationships. I found practising meditation taught by the Brahma Kumaris helped immensely, (they have FREE seminars, and courses on meditation, positive thinking, self esteem, womens workshops, spirituality and men etc, everything is free of charge also ), They have a centre in brighton. Also i have found working the 12 step program has helped to let go of past hurts. There are fellowships for relationship issues etc eg Coda (codependants anonymous) and others, which i have found really help to resolve past grief etc... Might write more on this later as think its a very good subject to discuss more

[howthelightgetsin]

Hi there (I'm a newbie)
Capricorn I feel exactly the same, know it won't be right to continue alone not trusting but don't want to take the risk of being hurt again and being back at square one. Its been on my mind a lot lately as I'm interested in someone but simple scared of taking it anywhere and wonder if I prefer just having the knowledge they liked me. I suppose if I do go for it I'll know, otherwise I may live in regret waiting for the 'right one' to come along. I sometimes wonder if its my need for perfection that also gets in the way, a fellow Virgo Mr Cohen puts it into words so well(like all of his work) in this song
Leonard Cohen - Waiting for the Miracle

Sorry this became more like me chatting to myself lol

[Geda]

Hmm..today I have said to a friend that your heart is like a house...you leave the door open and yeah..you can get robbed, somebody might come in and vandalise the whole place,smashed the photos,spray the wall with the black paint...but somebody might also come in and put flowers in the vase and bake a bread and leave it for you on a table or leave a little note saying something nice....and somebody might one day move with you in the house and it will be two living there .....if you won't open the door, nobody will ever come in and you will miss out on so much. If you will close the door, you will let those bad people win.

[Capricorn]

Hey thanks for the lovely replies to my original post. It is a tricky one!!! I find writing helps a lot to put thoughts and feelings into perspective. I also now just surround myself with trusting and caring friends and try to do nice things for myself, like my cycling, eating nice food, reading(soduko.....good for distraction and the brain), my son, my cat etc etc. It takes the edge off all the crap that starts to surface in your brain.

I think anxiety, OCD etc will always be part of me but I am determined now to challenge the negative and scary thoughts in order to live some kind of normal life. I am damned if I am going to let these disorders rule me

[stresspuppy]

Great post Capricorn - Sounds like you've come a significant way forward with your determination to challenge these thoughts and I know this can at times be exhausting. The best way I can liken it is to exercising a muscle we've hardly ever used before - it can be uncomfortable and sometimes hurt, be exhausting and with little initial signs of progress it's easy to want to give up. The next day starts and well if you feel you've given up that's something else to beat yourself up about!! I suppose the thing is with any decisions we make is that what seems like a seemingly straightforward change we want to make doesn't always factor in all the associated other changes of behaviours that we've become comfortable with and support where we are.

I think of it again like the muscle we want to work on that needs good hydration, nutrition and rest to heal - and maybe when we're resting that particular muscle we might choose to work on another different muscle?

All power to you Capricorn 

[Capricorn]

Thankyou Stresspuppy, you are a diamond X