Little something

[Geda]

Hello guys

One of my friends posted this on facebook and when I read it I thought it has me all over it...that this is something what I should do, that this is the key for me.............I thought I would share it because it might help somebody else as well. I always try to please people, be liked ...and there is nothing wrong with it...BUT often I do something I don't want, don't like just to make someone else happy and often I don't stand up for myself...and I should start to make myself happy more than anything else...to put little me first otherwise I will never get better....ok I will zip it now...this is the thing I was talking about:

"You must stand up for what you believe in, but be prepared for people to be angry and to disagree. If you want to be liked by everyone, then you will stand for nothing." - D.Suzuki's Dad

G.

[stresspuppy]

Hi Geda, Think 'people pleasing' is a common aspect to many peoples anxieties. I know as I've sought to understand the source of my anxieties and that this 'people pleasing' can be a really useful discovery - and then comes the hard part - acting on it! think people pleasing can be very damaging to us - as you put others first your needs are gradually eroded  and the road back is likely to be a rocky one so agree with D.Suzuki's Dad

"You must stand up for what you believe in, but be prepared for people to be angry and to disagree. If you want to be liked by everyone, then you will stand for nothing." - D.Suzuki's Dad

I now believe It's so important to look at the root causes and I think exploring aspects of our own self-esteem and our 'core beliefs' about ourselves, and the world are really helpful in helping us to understand some of the 'Why am I like this' (some of the CBT approach looks at this area).
Thanks for posting - it helps us all 

[Geda]

Hello stresspuppy
I hope you are well.
I know it's all connected with my low self-esteem. I have realised that wether I will do things to please someone or not, it won't make them to like me at all. I have to learn to stop and think before saying "yes" to everything and think whether this is something what I really want, what suits me and stand up for myself. How you said it will be a rocky road back because people have certain expectations about me now so it will create friction and all but that's what I will work on regardless.
G.

[stresspuppy]

I wonder if it would help to have some 'stock phrases' to pull out when someone asks you to do something? that way you might not feel so under pressure to give a 'Yes' before considering and you can be calm in your response. Maybe some phrases like:

'I'll think about it and get back to you' (perhaps if it's a really big commitment you need to think about)

'I'll need to check my diary' (perhaps if you know you don't want to do it - you can always put something in your diary if you don't want to lie)

'That sounds good and maybe next time' (as it sounds and you don't have to do everything offered to you straight away + you can always change your mind)


As long as the phrases sound natural like something you would say you can give yourself breathing space without anyone confronting you and if they do you can always repeat the phrase (maybe slightly changed)

'I will think about it and let you know'

'I'll check my diary and let you know'

'Not this time but let me know next time'

Hopefully this should reinforce your position without having to give any further ground to the other person - Unless they're really stubborn/ignorant that should suffice. If they do persist then you might have to be a little firmer and change topic. Have a practice in the mirror/your head or with a friend if you can to give you some added confidence.

Don't know if any other BAFers might have some good stalling tactics, think maybe some self-esteem books and sites might have some tips on being assertive and good luck 

[Geda]

Hello stresspuppy
I was thinking exactly the same thing, that I will start to use the phrases like that to give me time to think about it. I usually panic when somebody approaches me and starts to talk to me and I feel like by saying "yes , Ok " I will finish the conversation faster.  The using of the phrases will give me an extra time to think things over and get more control but I must say that I'm much more assertive than I used to be and now I'm standing for myself so much more (I have told of my neighbour for making noise today lol...;o) )...I came a long way recently but there is still a long road ahead.
Thank you for your advice.
G.

[stresspuppy]

Glad to hear you've made progress and also recognise the fact that you've made progress - It's important we can recognise our achievements! anxiety often stops us doing this so well done