New life in Brighton

[Trish27]

Hi everybody. I'm 27 and I've social anxiety disorder since I was around 11 or 12 years old. I have just landed Brighton a week ago (I'm spanish), I moved here to improve english because I've always loved this language since I was a teenager. It had been a hard decision but I finally decided to come. During this week I had some bad moments and felt very sad because of my fears, I'm always worried about everything and I can't avoid feeling negative and depressed most of the time, I feel like unprotected.
The other day I went with one of my flat's mates to a hotel to ask for a job and after a kind of interview in which I spoke most of the time, the manager decided to offer the job (housekeeper) to my mate, who spoke just a few words in english. It's obvious that that job wasn't for me, but I feel upset and sad because I can't understand why, it's like another effort without positive result and that makes feel so insecure. After all, I should be happy for her.
Tomorrow's morning I have to go alone (this makes me feel anxious) to give my cv in hotels or restaurants and keep looking for a job. I'm working very hard not to feel negative and pessimistic.
Any advice please? Thanks a lot

[cyclegirl]

Hi Trish,

Welcome ro Brighton and the forum. Considering how difficult coming to Brighton must have been for you, I think its a fantastic achievement and a very brave one and I can appreciate why you feel a little vulnerable and scared.

I know you have only been here a very short time, so you need to give yourself time to settle in and get your bearings. Not sure if you know many people in the area? I know the guys meet up regularly (although I can appreciate this can be a little frightening), so it may be a good place for you to start.

In terms of the job, I know its dissapointing and I think its reasonable for you to feel upset and a little resentful towards your friend for getting the job you wanted, however I think the fact that you recognised the job wasn't for you, is something you need to try and hold on to.  There will be other opportunities, and they may well be better ones.

I know that sometimes, when I have been really anxious, I've just wanted to get any job because its easiest. However, I've  sometimes found that I'm really unhappy in them and start to hate them, which makes me more anxious and depressed.

I know job hunting is not fun at the best of times, and when you have social anxiety, it makes it a bit more challenging, but take a deep breath and do the best you can. Keep posting on here as its a great source of support.

Good luck

 

[stresspuppy]

Hi Trish, Welcome to the Forum and Brighton. I moved here from a different country too - I've been here 3 years and still not quite settled so can empathise with you. Think the biggest thing I miss is my friend network, they were/are like family and it's not as easy to have contact when far away + you feel compelled to try very hard to make new friends in a new place.

It will take a while to settle and I'd encourage you to have regular contact with family and friends wherever they are. I think that way however long the transition takes to make Brighton your home you'll have the support from people who love you and really know you so you don't feel so alone and a little more protected. 

The forum has been really good for me and I've met some really good and understanding people at the meets (+ it gives me a bit of  a social life  ) and I enjoy posting online - I use it a bit like a journal 

Try to locate a GP who's understanding of depression and anxiety so you've got the medical support you need.

Jobhunting - perhaps trust your instincts a bit more about what might be a suitable job - perhaps your friend was employed because their lack of English language might be an advantage to the employer (cynical I know but it's not unheard of  so keep an eye out for your friend). While out and about jobhunting and with the sunnier weather use it as an opportunity to get your bearings and discover some special places, practice your English, sit and drink coffee/tea and people watch and look around you and who knows you might find that elusive job when you least expect it. Try to enjoy the best of what Brighton has to offer and give yourself the time to settle - pace yourself and take baby steps towards your new life (not forgetting the old)  Good Luck

[Trish27]

Thank you guys for your replies
I've already found a job, I'm starting tomorrow. I also received a call from other job and I will try to go to the interview on Monday. However I took the phone number in case I need to delay it (It's difficult for me to understand english on the phone and I usually feel frightened about phone calls, but I'll do it ).
Now I'm just fighting against negative thoughts in social situations, specially not to feel insecure and sad when I can't understand anything in a conversation and the other person is not very predisposed to repeat or change the words to help me. These kind of thoughts: I have no idea of english although I've been studying it for some years, no one is gonna help me here, this is gonna be hard and frustrating, he/she is thinking that I'm stupid, she/he doesn't like me because I'm a foreigner... and other negative and unconscious things like these.
How do you deal with your negative thoughts? I mean, can you bring them to consciousness?

[Trish27]

The job was just for one day and not paid, trial period they said. Yesterday I bought food at Salisburys and they charged the amount on my account TWICE, I dont have the bill. I can?t believe this.

[ghost of mr bob]

Hi Trish,

Even if the job is a trial, they are legally required to pay you. Not paying you is seriously illegal. I know in cases like this, we don't have the power or energy to fight this but there are people you can talk to.

There is the citizen's advice bureau at Hove Town Hall, although this place is extremely busy, you have to get there early and queue for ages.

If it is causing you mental distress, which is very likely, at the Mental Health Centre on Buckingham Road, you might be able to get advice from MIND.

You are absolutely entitled to get help from people and it isn't a problem because stopping unscrupulous employers who don't pay people is good for us all.

Keep posting Trish and know that people do care about you here on the forum.

Mr Bob

[Noisy]

Hi Trish, Welcome.

I think that you're very brave coming to a different country to practice another language and I hope that your new job works out OK.

I find it hard to grab hold of my negative thoughts sometimes, especially when they are running through my mind very quickly. I'm getting a little better at bringing my negative thoughts to consciousness recently and I feel happier because of it; I think I'm increasing my self-awareness.

About your English: You write English very, very well, in a very natural way with only a few very minor mistakes. You have every right to feel proud of yourself.

Best wishes,
Martin. 

[Trish27]

Hi there,

Thanks again for your replies, they really help me.
I was able to claim for my money and they returned it back to my account it is hard, but facing things obviously makes me feel more confident.
Tomorrow I have to work again in the same place, but this time I am not going to leave without being paid

P.S. To speak English is much more difficult than writing it :DD please correct my mistakes, at least the bigger ones

[ismmoh]

Hi there have u ever wondered looking for a job out of town likle Crawley, near by has many jobs gtoo where i'm from. If You want i can show u aound i used to go brighton university. I have had sa since aboiut 14 im 25 now any way drop me a line if u fancy comng down or i can come down brighton and show you around as i know  the plsce quitre well too. it would be good to chat to someone to share simialar experiences in regards to sa, 

mo

[stresspuppy]

Personal Safety 

Hi Guys, can I just put something out here - I know it's very tempting to want to offer much more tangible and real-life support - This is great and part of why we meet up in a group in public spaces. This helps keep people safe. I'm very big on people keeping themselves safe by way of just disclosing as much personal information as they're happy to do; and with a view to understanding that until you get to really know quite a bit more about another person it would be wiser NOT to take potential risks with someone you don't know much about.

I think personal safety is so very important to everybody and especially so with potentially vulnerable people with anxiety conditions!

I think any meets outwith the organised BAF posted meets necessitate a cautious approach with the emphasis on keeping yourself safe - perhaps in a public place, perhaps with a friend accompanying or close bye and letting someone else know where your going etc

I would urge all BAFers and visitors to the forum to keep it safe 

Might sound paranoid but I'm comfortable to think safety first