Feeling Rubbish... but why?

[Noisy]

I'm feeling a little confused at the moment and more than a little bit poo. Things have been going really well for me lately; I mean I still have my problems but all of us do; I've felt lately as if everything was starting to make sense, breaking down my problems rather than just breaking down.

I could go on all day about how bad I'm feeling but what I'm wondering now is if anxiety and depression flaring up is a natural part of a movement towards recovery? Is there an elastic band effect where we move forward and then "ping" back again until we gather more strength to overcome the tension in our elastic? (Those who know me well will be thinking this is the start of a bad underwear joke.)

Is it our unconscious trying to make us wait for freedom? Am I moving to fast or should I push on through to the other side? Fake it to make it or listen to the warning signs?

Don't worry guys, I'm not looking for answers to all of these questions; just trying to let it all out somewhere and I feel a little better for it already. Still, I'd be very interested in your views or experiences.

[Alexandra]

Sorry to hear you're having a **** time, that sucks

One thing I have learned, is that recovery doesn't go in a straight line. There are always ups and downs, and relapses are normal, maybe even inevitable. Recovery isn't necessarily about 'fixing' your problems, it's about learning to deal with them to make your life easier and happier. And it always goes 2 steps forward, 1 step back. In fact, sometimes it might feel more like 10 steps forwards and 9 back.

Do you know why you're feeling bad? It helps to be able to identify our triggers, and then set a plan for getting over the bad times. Ask yourself what are you going to do to make things better.

And also know that although the bad times happen, they will pass and you just need to keep going through them

[Dreaming]

Hey, aw sorry things are a bit rubbish at the moment.

I agree with Alex, for me Recovery is never straight forward. I think I agree with your elastic band explanation. I like to think that each set back exists to remind me that my issues need to be 'worked on' rather than "yep I've had a success I'm CURED!!!" which is what I tend to think each time! I think it's also important to use the set backs to develop all the techniques you use and explore new ones.

I like your "is it our unconscious trying to make us wait for freedom question", it puts me in mind of someone asking me once what I was waiting for and did I not think I deserved to not worry about EVERY LITTLE THING!?

As for should you fake it to make it or listen to the warning signs, I think only you can judge it. I tend to urge on the sign of caution and am afraid to act on anything that might make me worse, but then I worry about being stuck in some kind of stasis (which I think is a word, goodbye expensive education).

Is it a general sense of feeling rubbish or has then been an "event" or "situation" which has precluded it? I agree with Alex that knowing your triggers is a big help to rationalise how you are feeling and make some improvement plans! 

[ghost of mr bob]

I'm really sorry to hear you are feeling low Martin.

Pants jokes aside, I think the elastic analogy is perhaps a misconception as it perceives the journey as a linear path. It maybe better to consider the path as an upward spiral. You may feel you are sliding a little now but overall you are moving upwards.

Well you know my views, I consider that for most of us, anxiety and depression is a lot deeper. We can fix the surface problems but then new anxious feelings will emerge, perhaps vague ones and the best thing is to continue to be aware and observe these new feelings. My therapist says your emotions are not "you". Meaning you don't have to go on the rollercoaster with your emotions but watch them with a little detachment.

In your particular case, I wonder if you are suffering from postponed feelings? Often during busy periods we focus well on the stuff at hand and we feel really good at the way we are dealing with day to day life. But we have pushed down more deeper feelings of anxiety into a "to do later" box. I know many people get really blue after finishing a course, even when they succeed. It works both physically and emotionally. People often will be healthy when they are really busy and then get a cold when they go on holiday. When my sister died six years ago, I managed it well but flipped about six months later.

So I wonder, if during the counselling course you have been doing plus your house move, you have postponed feelings just to be able to cope and now perhaps as you have relaxed a little, they are re-emerging? Just a theory.

cheers Ghost o'bob

[stresspuppy]

Sorry to hear your feeling like 'poo', Interested in your thoughts about the rubber band. I keep remembering some quote or other that I'm sure a previous therapist told me about:-

something about X number of positive things needing to happen in order to counteract a negative event (think it might be a ratio of 5:1)

It always makes me think of how biased it is towards the negative experiences being able to unduly influencing our view of things. I suppose if we think of ourselves as a bank account and this equation being a type of cognitive/behavioural formula; then it must be a constant battle to achieve a positive balance and struggling to keep ourselves out of the red. We have to keep paying in the positive experiences at a rate of 5 to every negative experience.

Started to formulate an equation to represent this but maths ain't a strong point 

I agree with Dreaming and Alexandra - peaks and troughs, good days/bad days and wonder if the equation above helps explain some of the why's - as in if you were to micro analyse every little thing that happens in a day then rate how it influences us positively or negatively then would the equation hold water? I'm also kinda trying to weave in the idea suggested by Dreaming and Alex of looking for specific triggers that might influence your mood? Glad the writing it down on the forum and getting it out there helped - I'm a journal junkie.

PLUS I think bank holidays are a bit of a weird time - seem to either be really good or bad and even if they're non-descript you can feel cheated of that 'good time' you were meant to be having (expectations - perhaps we'd be best not to have them...)

Anyhow - 'live long and prosper' (watched the new Star Trek movie on Sunday )

[stresspuppy]

My therapist says your emotions are not "you". Meaning you don't have to go on the rollercoaster with your emotions but watch them with a little detachment.

That would be a cool trick to learn (perhaps meditation helps?) and guess we're all works in progress towards achieving a happy balance between feeling and not being thwarted by our emotions. I think GOMrBOB may have something with his theory of 'postponed feelings' I suppose the need to process emotionally after a quite intense period of activity when perhaps you didn't have the resources available to do so at the time - a bit like the sleep we need to process the days events?

[Geda]

Hello Martin
I'm sorry you are feeling down at the moment
I'm feeling the same .....I have recently started to get better and turning my life around...and suddenly I have realised I have wasted the best years on my life which I'm never going to get back and I moan all those lost years and I feel panicky and in order to make up for the lost time I want to do everything at the same time, pushing myself too fast/too hard sometimes.
I'm going through a roller coaster of emotions...I socialise so much more these days ...and there is a lot of good coming from it but also a lot of hurt and disappointment .
I wish I had an answer for you....I think what you feel is the part of the recovery and now you are getting better all gunk is coming out too . We all will have to swim through a lot of sh.t to come clean the other side.....and you seem like such a good swimmer to me...;o)
What helps me is to ask myself now and then..."Is this worth it ? I have felt so emotional / sad/ anxious recently ...wouldn't I be better off on my own again ?" But I know I never want to go back again. The only thing I can do is to take it easier, slower down, ask a friend for a help, talk about things, find time to relax/treat myself...and take a deep breath because there will be more s..t coming my way as I get better...lol..
Well anyway I hope you will feel better soon Martin...
Sima

[stresspuppy]

Yes I know I'm on again! Noisy your post has been playing on my mind

Is it our unconscious trying to make us wait for freedom? Am I moving to fast or should I push on through to the other side? Fake it to make it or listen to the warning signs?

It's just difficult to make a judgement call isn't it? feelings of discomfort we associate to a warning AND YET we also know that to a certain extent that as anxious individuals we might also tend to be more 'sensitised' to these feelings of discomfort that we associate to a negative experience. I think many processes incur an element of discomfort, as change always tends to do, ultimately we can choose to ride the wave of change which always comes with the :- Crap - what if I crash (?again)) or OWch that hurt but I'm glad I did it!.

I think there might well be an element of subconscious discomfort (not always bad, and often a sign of a shift happening) that's affecting where you are just now. Maybe it's a case of having to re-learn and trust your instincts, perhaps it feels unsettling - like you're having to re-familiarise yourself with this element of changing instincts?  - like a set of new friends that need to prove themselves in order to trust in them? ultimately this will take time and perhaps your experiencing 'growing pains'?

and once again you've inspired myself and many others to post  feel the love on the forum  BAFers! 

[Noisy]

Thanks everyone for your very helpful and supportive messages.

I'm feeling a bit better thanks. All of your messages helped as well and so did getting a few things done yesterday. Getting things done seems to help me feel like I'm OK; I managed to custom fit some metal window blinds to fit our new home and recover a seriously important deleted document for someone (Don't save stuff in your temporary folder kids!).

Those things gave me that little lift enough to get out for a run last night with my son; well, it was supposed to be a run; we ran for about a mile and a half and got distracted by the sunset across Brighton and talking about car suspension and.... well, generally putting the world to rights. We had a very enjoyable run back too! 

Yeah, I know that recovery isn't a linear system and that's given me great comfort over the years, but as some of you seem to have found, you still expect the good times to last forever! It feels doubly bad when you've had a reasonably extended period of feeling good when you begin to trust that you can do things and start to make plans.

Yeah, I do stress about all the years of my life I've missed and the career I should be having. I remain optimistic that I've learnt lots of very important things since I've been ill that all go towards making me more "unique" so that I may flourish in the right job/voluntary role. Actually, that's what's playing on my mind right now: What if I take the leap into some voluntary work to find that I've leapt too soon? There are no absolutes in our anxious lives but I remain confident that doing something will be good for me. I'm just feeling a bit less prepared than I was last week!

Yeah, it does feel a little bit like growing pains; a kind of regression to childhood where I suddenly feel vulnerable and look for reassurance; checking my attachments around me are safe and dependable before moving off to explore the world again.

Right then, on with the show! I've got lots to do today before coming to the meet later and despite having some problems I'm really looking forward to it. I hope to see you all there if you can make it and thanks again for your support. 

[WaveyDL]

I don't think you will ever recover...

Ok harsh but let me explain. Those of you that know me have said you have seen me change and I appear to have "recovered".

I haven't.

I just accepted who I am and and accepted that it's ok to be me. For many of us (not all) there really is no "cure" or "recovery" or "magic pill" it's just our acceptance of who we are and how we cope with life. When we get to grips with that our symptoms seem to fade away.

I hope yours continue to fade despite the odd hiccup.

Your a good friend Marty and I hope you feel better tonight