I am an idiot

[Alexandra]

Ok, it's a Saturday, in May. I am at home, not working. I don't have anything in my diary. I've missed a gig before and it was the worst thing... I still feel sick when I think about it.

So I was worrying that perhaps I missed something so last night I went through my invoices and signed contracts and found nothing for today. Went to bed, feeling a little uneasy. This afternoon I thought I'd just check my gig diary on one of my agents websites and I saw that I had today marked off as unavailable!

So of course I completely over reacted and rushed into the living room to see Simon where I hyperventilated and fainted. How embarrassing. Simon went through my programme where I make my invoices and store all my booking details and there's nothing. Searched my computer and my printed contracts, there is nothing. Searched my emails, there is nothing that actually came off.

But this hasn't made me feel any better and I'm freaking out and still shaking!!

I didn't mark this date off on my date sheet I send out to another agent.... I think I must have marked off today on the agency website because I'm seeing a friend and I was planning on taking this weekend off....

But I just don't trust myself! If it turns out I've missed a gig it's just the worst thing, last time this happened I actually felt like I was going to die.

I don't even know why I'm writing this. I guess I just need to get it out of my system. I am still panicking and blowing it out of proportion.

[stresspuppy]

Oh dear all work and no play  sounds as though you're uber-organised and unlikely to ever do again what you feared - missing a gig. Perhaps the feeling of unease was you believing your own inner critic? you do deserve time off and I guess when your self-employed this can be a difficult - there must be a constant pressure to well, keep busy. Wonder if you can code your time off in your personal diary - say like 'day off/downtime' to avoid the panic mode.
I think you're probably a very committed individual. Perhaps with this sense of commitment also comes a set of obligations; and when you do eventually get the down-time that you need and deserve, that gap fills with a sense of dread that you've let someone down. Perhaps organising regular, say monthly, downtime might be a way forward to train yourself into the obligation towards yourself for rest and relaxation.

P.S. Your one of the most un-idiotic people I know 

[Alexandra]

Thanks stresspuppy. I've calmed down a little, although my anxiety is still quite present.

when you do eventually get the down-time that you need and deserve, that gap fills with a sense of dread that you've let someone down.

This makes sense... I am highly self critical. Ha ha my psychologist on Thursday gave me a sheet with a list of unhelpful thinking habits, and a list of alternative thoughts to consider. On the list is 'catastrophising' and he said "That's something you do quite a lot isn't it?" and I'm doing it right now!! THE WORLD IS NOT GOING TO END!

I'm just dreading getting an email or a phone call from someone...'Where were you? We are very disappointed...'

[Dreaming]

Awww Alex, I really feel for you, I KNOW exactly what you are like and I know that missing another gig is the end of the world for you - you need to try and calm down, you've checked (and Simon has double checked) that you haven't missed anything and you haven't. As you said you have most prob booked the time for the freinds visit and totally forgotten about it. You are sooo organised with your work and I remember you telling me about the first gig you missed so I really do think that subconsciously you would never allow yourself to go through that again (although i have to say everyone makes mistakes and the fact you've only missed one gig in all the time you've been working shows how oganised and super brilliant you are!).

I think Stresspups is onto to something with his "downtime" theory. Maybe this is really highlighting that you need to take some "you" time from work- i know its hard inyour line of work and you have quite times which can be stressful and worrying - but taking 1 day off a month from all obligations might do you the world of good.

Also I think May is turning out to be a funny old month, the amount of anxiety that is going round is palpable! Even non-anxious folks i know are spazzing out in the month of May. Roll on June I say!

[Geda]

Oh Alex...you got me all freaked out, you have actually fainted ? That's scary.
As Mia said please stay calm, you have checked and checked again and you didn't come across anything, no loose ends - everything is most probably fine.
You have to stop being to tough at yourself...all of us make mistakes in our professional lives...we miss appointments, meetings, make wrong judgements, forget to do something.....that's life.
I hope you are feeling better now. Take care of yourself and no more fainting girl !
Love and kisses
Sim

[Alexandra]

Ha ha yeah Simon said I stopped breathing for a moment and he got a bit scared. Thing is, I've already got problems with low blood pressure, and my eating has been up and down lately, and when I panic I hyperventilate so it's all a recipe for disaster.

Ugh I know, I am super hard on myself. Anyway, I had a proper day off yesterday which was great, and I really needed it. Still worrying a little about possibly having missed something, and every time I open outlook I have a little surge of panic, worrying that I'll have an angry email from someone! But I haven't heard anything... surely if I had missed something they would have contacted me by now?? Argh I definitely need scheduled down time!!

Thanks guys, I am feeling better today. Hopefully the sunshine will help.

[Dreaming]

They would def have contacted you by now! worry not! the sunshine will def help, get out there with your harp!

[Geda]

Sure...they would contact you by now Alex...I think there would be a phone call straight after they would realise you wouldn't be coming.Please don't worry about it, it's done and dusted now. We will laugh about it on Wednesday over the green tea...lol.