Another newbie saying hi!

[Ludo]

Hey all,

I'm relatively new to Brighton/Hove only having moved here in January, and knowing that I suffer from social anxiety/avoidance and depression probably caused by the social issues etc and being aware that I find it difficult to get to make social connections someone pointed me in the direction of this forum. I'm really keen to keep trying to break out of this old pattern of social isolation, and "just getting by" socially.

I was brought up in a small reserved family and I'd say we are rather timid and have varying degrees of social phobia. After going through most of my 20's giving in to these feelings I'm getting to a point I really want to challenge myself and make some friendships that go deeper than just surface level. Maybe learn to enjoy social situations rather than find them a huge and stressful ordeal that I feel the need to avoid or escape from. Also I'd like to feel less inhibited about "being myself" in public.

This problem has effected me more than I would ever let most people know, I put on a good "front", I think it's a pride thing, I haven't always wanted to admit that such simple and normal things as establishing friendships and relationships are frighteningly foreign things to me. When I'm in certain situations around families, and easygoing groups of friends and these feelings always leave me feeling very much on the outside of these very seemingly "normal" people, with no way of creating such social networks for myself. It's like I feel I to project a perfect image, to such an extent that making an effort seems too draining and I can't wait to get back home to my "little nest".

I'm in my 30's now and I've always told myself these things will happen for me, but the longer I wait nothing seems to happen, I know I have to take control and at least try and make it happen. I've moved here to start a Post Grad course, I chose Bright/Hove for many reasons one part of which was the rich cultural life here, and I don't want these anxiety and and confidence to inhibit me from getting the most out of my move to such a fantastic city. I've never met with other people who also suffer from different kind of anxiety, so I really look forward to making some friends here and sharing in and learning from your experiences. I would also love to eventually manage to get to some of the meet-ups. 

Sorry to blather on Take care,

L

x

[Andy SP]

I can relate to what you say and feelings you are experiencing is how it?s been for me for most of my life. There is some comfort to be had in knowing I?m not the only one. All you can do is to not give up but at the same time just except who you are. What has helped me lately is a video I found on youtube a simple idea but I think the guy is right. Here is the link How I'm Overcoming Social Anxiety: Social Anxiety Cure
Andy   

[Ludo]

Thanks for that Andy!
The awareness that there are others out there who are experiencing the same feelings and inhibitions is really important for making someone feel less isolated with these anxiety issues, sometimes it really does feel as if everyone else has got this socialising business sown up. 

That video has a really different kind of approach though, and I think there might be something in what that guy is saying because the fear of making a fool of myself is a major inhibitor when it comes to certain situations, maybe monitoring oneself to closely, and cringing internally at the thought of any perceived failure, maybe being to hard on myself in this respect. Maybe this outlook is the effect of too much time spent alone, too much self consciousness etc I often find it difficult to be the more relaxed and humorous person I feel comfortable enough to be around my family, and then come down hard upon myself for being so ernest and seemingly uptight around unfamiliar people.

I remember once trying something like this out before an interview, telling myself that the pounding feelings of nerves and anxiety I was feeling were actually an internal drumbeat powering me forward and helping me. A similar kind of reversal of the situation, and it did actually work! Thanks for reminding me that there are many ways to look at this! We must keep fighting this!

L

[Dreaming]

Hi there Ludo,

Many things you have said resonate deeply with me. Especially the wanting to be able to enjoy social situations rather than avoiding/escaping them and them being so hideously draining! This is the main reason I come to the wednesday meets. Very quickly you settle into the group dynamic and I can honestly say I find these easy going and I look forward to knowing that every wednesday I  am meeting up with friends.

I think perhaps we are coming from a similar viewpoint when you said:

" When I'm in certain situations around families, and easygoing groups of friends and these feelings always leave me feeling very much on the outside of these very seemingly "normal" people, with no way of creating such social networks for myself"

I don't so much think I can't make social networks for myself - its more I constantly compare what freindships I have with freindships other people have/seem to have. I have a very close best freind who I've known forever and so many people have commented how lucky I am to have this. I know that I am, and I adore her! however, I do often see people a with big close circles of freinds and feel like a failure that I've never been able to culitavate this.

Anyway nice to "meet" you Ludo, and hope to meet you in person soon.

You've come to the right place

[Ludo]

Hey thanks for the warm welcome Dreaming! The Wednesday meet-up sound great, I'd really like to try and come along, being in the company of other people who are open about feelings of social anxiety etc in a non pressured situation sounds like just what I need, I've never been a great "joiner in" but I really want to push my self out of familiar patterns, and hopefully make some new friends.

What time/place on Wednesday do the meetings start? I've also been told that the afternoon meets are also a good way to get started with the group.

I'm starting to believe that putting too much pressure ourselves to live up to an image of some kind of perfection, or so-called normality is where we set ourselves up to fail. Even though it's going to be hard work I'm just going to try to stop being so darned hard on myself.

I'll look forward to saying hi to you Dreaming when I finally get to a meet!

x

[charliestudent]

It has been so interesting reading your post Ludo. It is great that you know what you want to aim for, and are taking steps to change it..
I feel very similar to you about the pretending to people, and yourself, that there isn't a problem: but it is draining and hard work and this adds to the avoidance situation. I am contemplating going to the meeting also. And its often easy to give advise and then not use it personally, but I hope you go to the meeting, from reading posts on here it seems as if it would be very beneficial for many people! What a great group.
can i also ask, what are you studying at post grad?
take care
Charlie x

[Ludo]

Hey Charlie, sorry it taken me a wild to reply to your post. Thanks for the encouraging words, and I'm very glad that my description of experiences have resonated with you in some way. Having been directed to this group when I was becoming very withdrawn and at a low-ebb so to speak I am now beginning to reach out to people, and this "reaching out" seems to be taking the form of challenging my own tendency to pretend that "everything fine" and to deny even to myself that there is a problem (a way of coping that in the past has often lead to avoidance what I perceive to be stressful social situations), by expressing vulnerability and being more open about my social difficulties, this is actually work better than I'd imagined, and also helping to limit the stress and guilt I usually associate with many social situations.

In short I'm trying to care less about what I imagine people might think of me, and just trying to be less hard on myself, I think this being or own worst critics and overlooking our good points and inner-strengths is one of the common themes with people who experience social anxiety.

I'm studying for a DPhil in Gender Studies at the University of Sussex, it's a subject that I've been passionate about for many years, and Sussex is one of the best places to study it. I've had a few ups and downs with the course since I started in January, but hopefully with the encouragement of this group I can keep strong.
Hope all goes well for you Charlie, and that you manage to make it to one of the Monday or Wednesday meets (I tend to go on Weds evenings), maybe see you around.

L