Sheer Exhaustion

[Capricorn]

Hi everyone, I wanted to post this because I have woken up feeling very "weird and disassociated".

I slept most of yesterday as I felt mentally and physically exhausted, I also wanted to hide. My head was doing the usual.....ocd thoughts, self battering thoughts about how lazy I am for being in bed, other thoughts of how the hell will I ever get all the things done that I have to get done if I am so exhausted. I am trying to tell myself that after I am fully recovered from the operation I will be active again and busy but then I get scared because the ocd and the rituals take up a lot of my day. Part of me knows I have to fight this and that we all have our demons, I'm not alone etc, yet part of me hasn't got the energy and wants to give up.

I am going to have a hot shower in a minute and I will probably write things down, tidy, do things to cope....I know it will pass. Good and bad days happen to us all. Thanks for listening to my rant and I send all my best wishes to all you fellow sufferers.

Eli x

[Dreaming]

Hey Eli, I hope the feelings have passed/lessend a little?

Firstly, you are recovering from a massive operation and need to put your health first. You must be feeling exhusated and tired and drained as your body is still in recovery mode. Have you been reading any good books lately? I think you should be being very very selfish right now, putting yourself first and treating yourself like the lovely lady that you are!

Secondly, you are right good and bad days/hours happen to us all but they do not define who we are. Tomorrow is a brand new day. 

Take care and hopefully see you soon xxx

[Capricorn]

Thankyou lovely lady. Today has been the day from hell but tomorrow is a new day and I hope much better. Thankyou for your kind words and hope to see you soon..Eli xxx

[Ludo]

Hi Capricorn,
I'm new here, but I just wanted to say that I also get days like you describe, I've actually been like it on and off for the pass few weeks, so you aren't alone. Some days I just give in and stay in bed, and then even though I'm exhausted and mentally drained I spend half the night awake, not even being able to read a book or do anything useful, that when the guilt kicks in. 

These feeling do ebb and flow though, and sometimes they pass. I've also recently be diagnosed as anaemic and I've started taking iron tablets, maybe it could be something like that with you, an underlying cause of some kind?

Try not to be too hard on yourself and if you feeling tired just go with feeling, and remember you're not on your own.

x

[Capricorn]

Thankyou Ludo it does help to know that others experience similar things. The guilt is the killer. I have ocd and my brain never stops with non stop thoughts that numb and scare me to the point I am frozen and can hardly do simple things.

I had an operation 4 weeks back and still recovering and even that hasn't stopped the non stop thoughts of what I should and could be doing, the flat is dusty and the garden is a tip and I should be doing this and that......it drives me bloody doolally.

Thank God for people on the Forum and those I have met through the group plus another group I go to. I realise how many people are suffering with this crap in one way or another, I just feel angry some days, it's such a waste of living.

Best wishes sent...Eli x

[Dreaming]

Hey Eli,

How's this week been? Hope the sunshine has brightend your spirts xxx

[Capricorn]

I am struggling with a depression again, trying very hard to accept it and know eventually it will pass like before. I am getting the self disgust feelings very strong and finding it hard to go out. I am meeting my friend Alice at 4pm, I am going to get up to the 5 Ways coffee shop, if I stay in flat all day I know the thoughts and fear will get worse. Luckily it's only around the corner, I couldn't face going further.

Sorry to sound so self piteous, I'm just so tired of this battle Mia. Thankyou for your nice posts....Eli xx

[Dreaming]

Aww Eli, really sorry you are going through a rough patch right now. Is there anything I can do?
Really great that you are getting out and about tho, that is a massive step and one to feel really positive about. Have been trying writing it all down? Do you think a trip to the doctors might help?

Am off to centreparcs for the week tomo but if you fancy meeting up when I get back just let me know.

[Alexandra]

Do you think a trip to the doctors might help?

I second this.

Sorry you're having a crappy time Eli *MASSIVE INTERNET HUGS*

[Capricorn]

Thankyou Mia and Alex I appreciate your replies. I hope to see you soon lots of love Eli x

[stresspuppy]

Hi There, sorry to hear your finding things so difficult just now, I can empathise - been having a bit of a crappy time lately myself. I know I'm really struggling just now and have to really force myself to just appreciate the simple things in life. I'm very bad at taking my own advice but have been trying to and the old chestnut of 'counting blessings' can seem to serve some temporary respite - so  I'm forcing myself to count my blessings when I see the sun is shining and it's so very leafy outside just now, watching my cats sunbathing, having a supportive partner, people appreciating any small acts of kindness like opening doors etc. Small things I know (apart from the support from others obviously) - I think sometimes if we can appreciate these things then that may help alter the current mindset and then perhaps the bigger stuff (jobs, health etc) needn't dominate and obscure the other positive things in our lives. Sometimes perhaps if we can take care of the smaller things perhaps this can help with the bigger stuff?

...and actually you know what just composing this reply to you has also helped me a little bit - so thankyou 

[Capricorn]

Thankyou Andy and I am sorry you have been having a crappy time of things too. I have been writing a lot and reading which has helped, but I am waking up every day with a sense of dread at the moment and struggling to go out, I feel safer at home yet I know I have to face everything eventually.

The main reason I am finding it hard to go out is the self revulsion that is back with a vengeance, feling hideous, even though I am constantly challenging these negative perceptions I have about myself. I haven't been doing the ocd cleaning so much but I still worry about germs and dirt because this taps into the self disgust if I don't maintain standards so it's catch 22 and this then creates isolation. It's like a deadness inside me at the moment I feel like a robot just going through the motions when all I want to do is sleep and not face the world anymore.

I am sorry for being so utterly negative, I hate being in this place but I am going to try and accept that this is how I feel and not batter myself futher. I hope it will pass like it has in the past. Thankyou to all you lovely people and for this site.....love Eli x

[stresspuppy]

Hi Capricorn, the self revulsion/disgust you write of sounds all-consuming and I'm not surprised you're so exhausted - that much beating up on yourself must take it's toll! I know your waiting to go back into therapy and perhaps these themes are worthy of exploring further?

I know some things during my therapy sessions have helped open my eyes and made me more aware of some of the root causes. My experience has been of it often being an uncomfortable process and perhaps that's indicative of how embedded certain beliefs can become? I know your waiting for it to pass and this seems to be part of the cycle of anxiety and I hope the next phase of therapy might help break the cycle you find yourself in.

Have faith in finding the solutions within yourself. X

[Noisy]

Hi Eli,

I'm sorry to hear that you're having problems and I know that it's hard to be positive right now. I know you enough to know just how much inner strength you have. You never know, maybe this could be the beginning of the rest of your life where your body is fixed by your recent operation and your mind starts to be untangled with the help of counselling. Actually, I wonder if these horrible thoughts are just your mind's way of fighting the progress that you're about to make. Who knows?

Anyway, you're very much missed at the meets and I hope that you'll feel able to join us soon on a Monday afternoon in the sun (I can't guarantee the sun!) or a Wednesday evening.

Best wishes,
Mart. 

[Capricorn]

Thankyou so much Andy and Martin, I appreciate your replies.

I feel like I have had one massive relapse and every day at the moment is terrrifying, even the thought of going into the garden or the shop. I spoke to my doctor this morning and he is going to set up a CPN for me to come and see me at home and I hope with the meds and therapy I can start getting my life back. I miss everyone at the meets but I just couldn't handle a big gathering right now even though everyone is lovely. I am taking it minute by minute at the moment with support. Trying to challenge the inner self hatred thoughts but it's so strong right now that even the writing isn't working. Just scared of everything.

I send you all my best wishes and hope to see you when I'm better....thankyou again Eli xxx